Editor's note: Names, places and some details have been altered to protect the privacy of certain people.

aphne couldn't believe her ears, so she asked her pastor to repeat what he'd just said.

"I appreciate your commitment, but I think you should go home and be with your husband," Pastor Sherman repeated quietly.

Daphne was stunned and a little hurt. Since her salvation months earlier, she had never missed an opportunity to be in church.

It was a Wednesday night, and Daphne had arrived early, eager to hear more about Jesus and excited to spend precious moments with fellow believers. The Bible study was about to begin when Pastor Sherman took her aside and asked where her husband was.

"You know where he is. He's at home, watching a football game on TV," Daphne replied.

"Perhaps you should spend less time at church and more time with him," he suggested gently.

"But I want to be here. I thought this was where I was supposed to be."

"Yes, Daphne, church is important, but your husband needs you." "But he's drinking beer!" Daphne cried, her frustration evident on her face as she choked back the tears.

"I know," her pastor replied softly.

Daphne went home. When her husband, Cliff, asked why she was back so soon, she told him the truth.

Three months later, Cliff gave his life to Christ. He says the night the pastor encouraged Daphne to be at home with him was his turning point. Cliff had been bitter toward religion in general and the church in particular because he felt like it had stolen his wife from him.

The pastor's actions demonstrated genuine concern for Daphne's family and so impressed him that Cliff began to attend church with his family occasionally. He eventually came to trust in Jesus himself and led their two teen-age children to faith in Christ also.

Cliff became the pastor's close friend and expressed his gratitude by saying, "You [the church] didn't steal my wife. Thank you."

"Passion for Christ and the church is good," Pastor Sherman said. "But balance is necessary." Instead of rejoicing because he had one more person in the pew, God gave him the wisdom to think long-term and reach out to Daphne's whole family, he said. He felt sorry for Cliff, alone at home several times a week while Daphne was in church, and by putting himself in Cliff's shoes, Pastor Sherman was able to gently steer Daphne in the direction that led her husband and her two children to faith in Christ.

After 12 years as a certified counselor in Calgary, Alberta, Don McNaughton, M.A., sees two recurring scenarios in his sessions with Christians who seek help to improve their marriage with their unsaved partners:

1. "As the saved spouse pursues his relationship with God and expresses Christlikeness toward his spouse, the result is often positive."

2. "However, if the saved spouse pursues a personal agenda and sets out to win his spouse to Christ according to his own timetable, this manipulative, controlling behavior hurts the relationship and often does not achieve the intended goal," McNaughton said.

"I tell my clients there is no formula or strategy, including prayer, that will guarantee your spouse will come to Christ," McNaughton said. "Only God knows if and when it will happen."

The Bible's admonition for husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33) is sound advice, especially for those who find themselves in a spiritually unbalanced relationship.

Gary and Fran had been married for about 15 years when Gary decided he was tired of the relationship and he wanted out.

"There was no other woman or anything like that," Gary explained. "I just felt that we were moving in different directions-not sharing the same values, not seeing eye-to-eye.

I thought: What's the point? Why carry on?"

Gary is a senior executive in a computer firm, and he commutes every day from the suburbs to his downtown office in a city of 5 million. Fran left her career in banking to be a stay-at-home mom when their son was born 17 years ago.

Before Gary had a chance to tell Fran he wanted a separation, he shared his secret with a business associate with whom he had been attending lunchtime Bible studies. His friend opened his Bible, and for 30 minutes read passages aloud to Gary about the permanence of the marriage commitment.

"My own heart was more focused on myself and on what I wanted than on my wife and son and what they wanted," Gary said. Hearing what God's Word had to say about marriage forced him to examine his heart, repent-he canceled the lease on his bachelor suite-and ask God to guide him in a renewed relationship with his wife.

Within a few months Gary gave his life to Christ.

"I told Fran I had become a Christian, but this only confused her," Gary said. "She thought we were Christians already. We had been attending church for years, and she didn't see why we needed 'this stupid born-again thing.'"

Fran saw her husband's religious zeal as one more thing that came between them when they so desperately needed something to bring them together. For years, Gary had devoted himself to his work and his hobbies, with precious little left over for the family. So Gary's sudden desire to spend all his time with Christians, while healthier and safer than his previous pursuits, didn't improve life for Fran or their teen-age son. Gary continued to be an absentee husband and father.

Fran's refusal to attend Gary's new church irked him. He made the mistake of trying to bargain with her. If she would come to church with him, he'd help out more around the house, he promised. She immediately saw this as manipulative and became firmer in her stance.

It took Gary a while to see the error of his ways. "Love isn't like Let's Make a Deal," Gary said. "Love, God's love, is unconditional."

While viewing an Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God video, Gary was struck by Henry Blackaby's response to a question from the audience. The question was: "Let's say a spouse sensed God was leading him in a particular direction, and his spouse was not responding to God's leadership and was holding him back. And he took the verse of scripture that says: If you don't hate your family and all those other things and follow Me ... and then it goes on to say, you can't be My disciple (Luke 14: 26-27). So they decide to get a divorce. How would you counsel rupturing relationships like that if there's a sense that she's holding me back from obedience?" Dr. Blackaby's response was: "I suppose one of the most dangerous things to do is to take a proof text and ignore everything else the scripture says: The marriage bond is very, very sacred. And I've always taken as my number one responsibility-apart from my relationship with Christ as Lord and expressing that Lordship-my relationship to my wife. When that relationship is right, then my relationship with my Lord will be right."

Gary decided at that point that his number one priority, after his relationship with God and before his involvement with the church, was to love his wife.

A marriage workshop at Gary's church gave him some tools to help him express his God-given love for Fran. He learned that Fran responded best to love that was demonstrated in "tasks accomplished" rather than "words said."

He gave the following example of an adjustment he made in his life to show love for his wife: "Every summer, Fran leaves for a few weeks to visit her elderly parents in another state. This is habitually a stressful time for her because she knows what she will find when she comes home. Her flowers will be drooping, the lawn will be overgrown and brown, and the house, a mess." Gary does not share his wife's love of gardening or housekeeping.

"I used to view things my wife wanted as stupid because they were unimportant to me," Gary explained. According to his old way of thinking, Gary saw his weeks as a bachelor as a chance to indulge his own desires. He would invite the entire church to his house for huge barbecues and fellowships.

Fran would never approve of such large gatherings if she were there since it inevitably resulted in hours of preparation and cleanup for her. While reveling in Christian fellowship during Fran's absence, Gary would neglect the chores and upkeep that were so vital to Fran's happiness.

At the marriage workshop Gary learned that his summer hosting and house neglect were insulting and hurtful to Fran. He determined to be more loving and understanding.

"Fran felt I had put church first and her second. I've been more conscious of caring for her and being more loving. I wanted to demonstrate to Fran that she is more important to me than the church folk, so this summer there were no huge barbecues," Gary said. "I invited one or two men over at a time. I mowed and watered and cleaned the house. I have a different sort of heart toward her now. I do want her to be closer to God and the church, but I recognized my behavior was a stumbling block to that."

Some of the changes Gary made to show his wife he had experienced a change of heart were:

• He spent more time at home.

• He took an interest in his wife's hobby-gardening.

• He got more involved in household matters.

• He organized family outings.

• He got involved in his son's school.

Fran is becoming more open and positive toward Gary's church. She attended a marriage retreat with Gary and enjoyed it. Although she still doesn't go to his church's worship services or fully understand what it means to claim Christ as her Savior, Gary has hope and sees improvement.

"I really don't know the timing, but I think Fran is closer than before," Gary said. "I have the confidence Fran will be saved because our relationship is better. It's not as hard to be patient as it used to be. I'm more at peace and prepared to wait for God's timing."

David Ferguson, in his book The Great Commandment Principle: Rediscovering the priority of relationships that will transform your church, your family and your life (Tyndale House Publishers, 1998), tells about his own paradigm shift when he realized he would never be effective as a minister of the gospel if he failed to minister to his family first.

"I was confronted with this question: If I do not share Great Commandment love and ministry with my nearest and dearest disciples -my wife and children, how can I effectively love and minister in ... other areas of Christian ministry to which I am called?

 "I had no answer ... I needed a paradigm shift. And it all started with capturing the heart of God, seeing people through His eyes ... As I purposed to capture God's heart, I began to see my wife and children in a whole new light ... from the perspective of God's heart of compassion.

"I sensed God challenging me anew to live out Great Commandment love, beginning with my wife and children ...[and then my] ministry to others will take on greater relevance."

A thousand miles away in a small town nestled in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, Barb and Jim were fighting to save their marriage at the same time as Gary and Fran.

Barb prayed for salvation in the living room of her neighbor Carol's house late one night following a nasty two-day verbal battle with her husband.

Prior to this, Barb and Jim had been seeing a counselor, and they thought their relationship had improved-they had learned new strategies for communication and had hope for the future.

Then they had "The Fight." All the old habits and old ways of fighting resurfaced. Barb was in absolute despair when she knocked on her best friend's door looking for a shoulder to cry on. Jim, weary of the argument, had fallen into an exhausted sleep.

"So how do I become a Christian, anyway?" Barb asked Carol after sitting in silence for a long time.

Two hours later, Barb snuggled up to her husband in bed and said, "Guess what? I just became a Christian!" He was less than thrilled.

Great! Jim thought, sarcastically. Now we're going to be divided on religion as well. He saw this as the final nail in the coffin of their marriage. But Jim was in for a few surprises.

Two weeks later, Jim came home after a grueling day as a policeman, and Barb suggested they go to their favorite watering hole for a beer. This had always been a way for them to relax and talk in relative privacy.

"Do you still do that?" Jim asked, surprised. He had assumed that those days were over.

Once they were seated in their customary spot, Jim ordered the first of many drinks and Barb had a coffee. He began to pepper his wife with questions about her newfound faith. Unable to answer most of his concerns, she telephoned Carol and her pastor husband, Jeffrey, and they joined Barb and Jim in the bar.

Several hours and many cups of coffee later, everyone went home. Jim doesn't remember whether or not his questions were answered, but he does remember being amazed that his teetotaling Christian friends didn't hesitate to join him in the bar.

Over the next two years, Barb and Jim's marriage steadily improved.

"Maybe because of Jim's lack of commitment I didn't feel drawn to get involved in church right away, but I read every Christian book I could get my hands on," Barb said. "Everyone who knew me recognized a dramatic change in my life."

The couple who had joined them at the bar, Carol and Jeffrey, were called to a church in another city, but they kept up regular phone contact. Every summer they invited Barb and Jim and their three kids to their new church's family camp.

Jim always bonded easily with the other men as they fished and swapped stories and talked about Jim's passion-stock car racing. He slowly forgot his initial feelings that Christians were weird as he rubbed shoulders with them and enjoyed their company.

After two of her three children became Christians at camp, Barb felt it was time for her to find a church. She walked into Carol's former Baptist church in her hometown one Sunday morning and felt like she had come home. Soon after, Barb's middle child responded to the gospel.

"Jim was fine with us going to church," Barb explained. "His biggest fear was that his kids wouldn't respect him because he was the odd man out."

The first Sunday the whole family went to church together was the day Barb and the kids were baptized. Jim cried through the entire service. Still he held back.

Jim often came home from work to find his wife surrounded by a pile of Christian books. The house was untidy, the laundry was undone, and there was no supper on the table. Barb would greet her tired husband with an animated discussion of all she had learned that day and would be hurt when he showed little or no interest.

Then Barb read 1 Peter 3:1, 2 and realized she needed to make some adjustments.

"Talk is cheap," she wrote in the margins of her Bible.

Barb talked less and did more. Jim noticed.

Oddly, it was Barb's first big crisis of faith that impacted her husband significantly for the Lord. After suffering a huge disappointment in which she felt let down by God, Barb turned to Jim for advice and comfort instead of rushing to her Christian friends for counsel.

She met Jim in the bar so they could talk. So great was her discouragement, Barb told Jim she was ready to give up her faith. She even questioned the validity of her salvation. She wondered if she was just kidding herself, and whether God was real after all.

Jim's reaction couldn't have been more shocking.

"I've known you for 15 years," Jim said. "The changes I've seen in you could not have been done on your own."

Later Jim confessed that at the time his first thought was: Hey! Maybe I'll get my old wife back! His second thought was: Do I want my old wife back?

In the end, he cautioned Barb not to throw away everything she had gained because of one setback.

A few months later, Jim came to faith in Christ. He said he was won over by his wife's respectful behavior as well as the example of Christian neighbors who lived out their faith every day and weren't afraid to meet him on his turf-the neighborhood pub-in order to share Christ's love.

Connie Cavanaugh is a freelance writter living in Cochrane, Alberta.