"I really want to be your friend " A slight flush crept up Evelynes cheeks as she paused to set her coffee cup down. "Its just that Im not well, Im not interested in your God."
The silence that followed was sudden and complete. Evelynes body language made it clear that the subject was closed, and I had no idea what to say next.
"Would anyone care for dessert?" my wife, Jennifer, offered cautiously as she rose to clear the dishes from the table.
Gradually, the silence gave way to the faint clank of dessert spoons and murmured compliments to Jennifers culinary skill. Eventually, the comfortable, familiar rhythms of friendly conversation resumed. But, for me, the rest of the evening passed in a kind of haze. I couldnt shake the feeling that our relationship with Evelyne had been dealt a blowperhaps a terminal one.
We had just moved to town and were handling some routine business at city hall when we met Evelyne. The 20-something clerk treated us with crisp professionalism. We exited the building that day not even knowing her name, with no clue that we would ever see her again. But several repeat visits to city hall became necessary, and Evelyne waited on us each time. Little by little her professional demeanor morphed into something warmer.
At Christmas we went caroling with friends from church and made a point of stopping at Evelynes place. She stood alone in her open doorway, listening intently, tears coursing down her cheeks. As she bid us goodnight, she invited us to come to dinner after the holidays.
One dinner led to another. We invited her to some church activities. She even joined us for a family vacation! We talked about work, growing up, our kids and her on-again-off-again romance. And we discussed our relationship to Jesus Christ. Sometimes she listened politely. Sometimes she seemed genuinely interested.
It was late when Evelyne left our home that night. After seeing her out, we slumped wearily onto the sofa. "Well, that was pretty clear," I sighed. "Were in, but Gods out."
In the days that followed that conversation, we mulled over various options. What should we do?
Try to figure out what wed done wrong and correct it? Maybe wed rushed her or taken the wrong approach.
Continue to pursue the friendship? Maybe she just needed timeand love. Maybe shed come around later.
Chalk the whole thing up to experience and move on? Was Evelyne "rocky ground" like Jesus talked about in the parable of the sower? Maybe our efforts were wasted.
Our dilemma was based in part on the notion thatunlike family relationshipsfriendships are optional, at least from a human perspective. And since we had forged this relationship in the hope of introducing Evelyne to Christsomething she apparently didnt wantperhaps we should just fade out of her life.
The question of what to do when your friend rejects your faith is answered clearly when your friend writes you off, bolts for the door, exits the relationship. But what if the decision is left up to you? What do you do when your friend, like Evelyne, says no to your faith, but yes to your friendship?
A matter of influenceYouve probably known people like Kristin and Allison, college roommates who did everything together. As time passed, Kristins mannerisms, health habitseven her fashion sensebegan to resemble Allisons. Allison never actually tried to change Kristin, yet the reflection of her tastes and values in her friends life was undeniable.
Influence isnt necessarily a bad thing, of course. But just as you can exert a positive influence on others, the potential exists for destructive habits and ideas to rub off on you.
Its part of the risk of relationships.
In some cases, bowing out of a relationship may be the wisest course of action.
If your faith in Christ is strong, His influence in your life will be more powerful than any other. But if the balance of influence tilts toward values and habits that erode your spiritual life, you may need to consider withdrawing from the relationship. Like a compass needle that no longer points north, you cant point people to Christ if you lose your own bearings.
Thinking strategically?Brad was the top salesman in our company and a likable guy. When he invited me to lunch so we could "get to know each other better," I was all ears. I was new to the company, and I figured I could use a friend. Our relationship began to grow.
And then it happened.
"Why dont you come to the house for dinner? " Brad asked unexpectedly. "Id like to share a success opportunity with you."
Inside I cringed. I wasnt interested in home-based marketing. When I said as much, Brad stopped making any time for me. Our friendship no longer fit into his strategy for success.
Can you afford to spend time in a relationship that seems to be going nowhere, spiritually speaking? What about missed opportunities that may result from spending time with unresponsive people?
Christian leaders often emphasize the importance of thinking strategically, and, clearly, strategy has its place. But the gospel is no mere product, and people are not just sales opportunities. If a friend suspects that you see him or her in terms of "evangelism potential" you risk losing credibility for yourselfand for the Christ you want your friend to know.
No strategy for evangelism should excuse callous treatment of the non-Christian friend God brings into your life.
Here are four principles to help you continue to represent Christ, even when your friend says "no."
1. Be persistent, but not pushy.
Craig was thrilled when Gerard wanted to study the Bible with him. Weeks went by, and although Gerard gave mental assent to the gospel, no visible change was taking place in his life. Try as he might, Craig wasnt getting through to his friend.
How long could this go on? Craigs frustration mounted. But in his zeal to "see Gerard become a Christian" Craig wasnt the only one feeling frustrated. Eventually, Gerard called off the study.
If youve ever tried to gather information about a product only to have a salesperson try to rush you into a purchase decision, you can understand why Gerard backed away. Saying no may simply be a way to buy some time to think it through.
Allow your friend some space without withdrawing your friendship.
2. Model the message.
"Christianity is not a religion," Rose emphasized. "Its a relationship with God through Jesus Christ."
But Sandy didnt have much positive experience with relationships. Her family ties were pretty strained, and she had few real friends. In spite of Roses assurances that she mattered to God, Sandy longed to feel like she mattered to someone "with skin on."
Just as youd be skeptical of investment advice if you discovered your stockbroker kept his funds under a mattress, your friend may be watching to see if your faith really makes a difference in your life. The "no" you hear may mean that the jury is still out. Dont give up too soon.
3. Dont fixate on formulas and depend on them alone. Tell your story of how God has changed your life.
Frank used the Four Spiritual Laws gospel tract whenever possible. He carried several copies in his briefcase. "Christianity is simple," he said. "No sense getting complicated about it."
But Marsha objected. "You cant explain God in a tract," she insisted. "It insults a persons intelligence." She loved debating the existence of God and the origins of the universe.
The fact is, people are not one-size- fits-all. Perhaps your friends negative response is a rejection of your method rather than your message. Just listen for a whileto God and your friend then consider a different method.
4. Find support in the community of believers. And remember to personalize whatever way you use by telling how God has transformed your life.
Nancy wanted desperately for Meg to find new life in Christ, but it seemed that Meg had built a wall. Nothing Nancy said or did seemed to penetrate it.
The day she introduced Meg to Karen, however, the wall began to crumble. Something about Karen really seemed to intrigue Meg. She opened up to her in ways she never had with Nancy.
When my friend Tom started talking to me about Jesus, I figured aliens must have taken control of his mind. Whatever had happened to him, I hoped it would pass quickly, and Tom would return to the party lifestyle we shared.
But it didnt pass, and I had to admit that the changes taking place in his life were for the better. Id recently made some positive changes of my own, however, and unlike Tom, I hadnt needed to get religion to do it. Still, we had been close for a long time, and I couldnt just walk away. His Christianity worried me, though. I felt as if I had lost a bar buddy.
My experience with Christians had been kind of weird. Once, a girl I knew in high school introduced me to some of her Christian friends. Before I knew what was happening they were "laying hands" on me, praying for me to "get saved" on the spot. I got out of there as fast as I could, but they started phoning meeven sending me Bibles. Now here was my buddy, Tom, all enthusiastic for me to become a Christian, too.
The trouble was, Tom tended to lead with his heart, while I had always been more deliberatefact-oriented. I had a hundred questions he couldnt answer. And the answers he gave werent satisfying.
One night Tom took me to a church event. In the car on the way home I tried to get him to clarify some of what I hadnt understood.
After several frustrating attempts to explain, Tom blurted, "How can you expect to get it, Dave? Youre not a Christian!"
I winced. The last thing I needed from Tom was a holier-than-thou attitude.
"If thats what being a Christian does to you," I told my wife later, "I dont want any part of it." And I wasnt kidding.
Things might have turned out a lot differently if Tom had given up on meor if he hadnt introduced me to his friend, Bill. I knew from the start that Bill was a Christian, but I liked the fact that he didnt push his Christianity on me. He certainly wasnt afraid to talk about his faith, but he seemed comfortable just hanging out with me.
Somehow, Bill understood my need to question things. He was patient, and because he was pretty knowledgeable, I found his answers thought-provoking and credible.
But Bill did more than offer answers. In the aftermath of my dads death his probing questions helped me to see things more clearly than ever before. Finally, I stepped over the line to faith in Christ. Naturally, I told Tom right away.
It hadnt taken Tom long to make a decision for Christ. But it took me six years. Thats just one example of how different we wereand still are.
In spite of those differences, Tom never threw in the towel. Ill be eternally grateful for that.
Dave Wright
The one who plants and the one who waters work as a team (1 Corinthians 3:8, NLT). Introduce your friend to other Christians. Someone else may connect with her in a way you cant. It doesnt mean youve failed. Its just a reminder that youre part of a team a community. What a way to introduce your friend to life in Christ!
Not everyone will say no as forth-rightly and as finally as Evelyne did. But when it happens to you, however subtly, dont give in too easily to the temptation to walk away. Consider first what your friend may really be trying to say. Remember that even a firm "no" doesnt always mean "never." In fact, few people embrace the gospel when they first hear it.
For most, the route to faith is a process, a journey. And thats what friends are for.
David E. Horton is an editor, freelance writer and the author of three books including the Boys Life Adventure Bible Storybook (see Resource Review, January-February).