Nearly half the adult population in America is single, yet singles comprise only one-third of adults in churches. This fastest growing household type in America represents what a veteran of singles ministry calls the most unchurched population in America and one of the greatest mission fields in the world. ¹

Evangelizing and integrating singles requires that the church be exactly what God created it to bea family.

A family is a place to belong, be valued and have enduring relationshipsuniversal needs of singles. Most church bulletins, however, reveal what singles already know: the church is focused on families with kids programs, moms studies, father-son retreats, baby showers and mother-daughter banquets.

If churches are going to reach singles they need to shed their indifference toward singleness and realize that couples are not better than singles, just different.

Solitary refinement

Although still crucial, the biological family is no longer the marrow of identity and purpose. Instead, our significance is rooted in a relationship with Jesus and membership in His family. No longer is our personhood and character most significantly determined by the blood of the biological family, but by the blood of Christ. 

Jesus formed a new family where each member matters equallythe church. He gave significance where there hadnt been any, dignity where it was missing and belonging for those cast aside. He made the standard for acceptability contingent on Him, not us. We can make singles feel welcome in the family of God by accepting them and loving them as they are.

For years in the church singles have either been overlooked or somewhat ostracized. If people werent married, it was because something was wrong with them. We need to embrace singles and make them feel like part of the family instead of treating them like they have two heads or just ignoring them.

The church could take a cue from the entertainment industry which not only recognizes singleness but practically celebrates it. There are a growing number of popular TV shows and films that focus on strong, career-minded single men and women. Gone are the days when singles were considered either damaged, broken or incomplete. The church needs to see them as vibrant, hard working and ready to change the world.

The first step to making singles feel at home is to recognize that this group has different categoriesnever married, divorced, widowedand their needs are different. By recognizing these needs, the church can begin to strategically minister to this growing and often-overlooked group.

The church also needs to nurture this group through Bible study, small groups and fellowship. And don't forget involvement. The church can help singles find ways to use their gifts within the church family.

Involving them in ministry, missions, evangelism and leadership roles will help them feel like they belong. Pages 38-40 provide some ways you can help singles feel at home.

Bridging
Welcoming singles into the church takes ongoing work. My church accomplished it through bridging. From the moment new singles walked in the door alone, we wanted to bridge them from being painfully new to belonging. If I spotted a new woman, I immediately adopted her, assuming full responsibility for her initial experiences. Sometimes it meant not sitting by my friends so she wouldnt sit alone. Sometimes it meant inviting her to lunch or an activity during the weekan activity I would attend in order to befriend her. For those initial days, I became her best friend at church, walking those first tenuous steps together. During that time I introduced her to as many people as possible, initiating conversations on her behalf and trying to bridge her to others who could be her friend.

Adult Bible classes
Most churches structure adult classes around an age-and-stage-of- life format. Young marrieds meet with young marrieds, parents of teens fellowship with other parents of teens, and so on, each according to their own kind. This kind of arrangement has advantages, but it also has costly disadvantages. When we segregate into age groups, we struggle to learn from those who have done life ahead of us and to teach those who are coming after us. At best, we dance around Pauls instructions for the older members to instruct and encourage the younger (Titus 2) and at worst, we disobey it. Also, when we spend most of our time with people like us, we begin thinking everyone is like usor should be. We develop myopic views of life and ministry.

What rich blessings we miss by staying in our peer groups, and what precious resources we waste by not interacting with those unlike us! Spending time with newlyweds and newly widowed, childless and child weary, first-time parents and empty nesters opens my eyes to the beauty of the church bodyand the way we can fit together and minister to each other.

If your church doesnt have intergenerational classes, you must create other regular and meaningful opportunities for singles to be part of such relationships. And when you do, be careful in your scheduling. A weekday women's Bible study alienates most single women who work full time.

A mens retreat that focuses just on fathering tells single men without kids that they dont belong.

Mentoring
My single peers and I hunger to learn the secrets of living from older women. We arent looking for another Bible studywe are looking for friends who will share their lives with us.

This dynamic between older and younger is crucial to passing on the faith. Fred Wevodau of the Navigators says, Many have never seen someone whose life demonstrates that Christianity is desirable, let alone doable. Theyre waiting for living examples of kingdom life that will call forth the best in them.

Singles dont need to be adopted as projects but to be loved as Family members. Be authentic with them, spend time with them, help them look in the mirror, encourage their spiritual growth. These are the makings of long-term Family relationships, and mentoring the singles in your church can be as simple as that.

Dos and donts

Don't play matchmaker on your own
Without the singles approval, playing Cupid tells singles they arent valued just as they are by implying they cant be complete without a spouse. It raises the familiar and haunting questions of whats wrong with me? and why cant people just accept me as I am?

Matchmaking can also foster discontentment much like going to the mall does for me. When I left home, my wardrobe looked just fine as it bulged out of the closet (except for the wrinkles), but before I finish walking one level of the mall, I realize how out-dated my clothes really are. Focusing on what I dont have makes what I do have seem inadequate. Matchmaking can do the same for singles.

Do sweat the small stuff

• Sermons and lessonsDo the illustrations and applications used in your churchs teaching include the single life, or are they all about families? You can talk about someone's roommate instead of a spouse.

• Church-wide/food-related eventsSuch celebrations often alienate singles who come alone to a family-dominated function. My church tells members to bring a dish to pass for 15 to a potluck. I dont have a budget or a pan this big! One of my male friends avoids potlucks, because, as a single guy who doesnt cook, hes stuck showing up with a telltale bag of chips or looking like a leech. How does your church communicate that everyone is welcome at church-wide celebrations?

• Discounts for couplesWhen special-event registration for singles is $10 and couples pay $15, I wonder why we cant all pay $7.50 or even $8.

• Church literatureOne church promotes its women's ministry with a picture of a baby and the phrase fearfully and wonderfully made. This ministry has communicated that singles (or those without children) dont belong.

Opening the Doors

For many singles, stepping inside the church doors means sacrificing their identity. In their careers, they likely stand on equal footing with all other employees and are valued for their significant contributionsmarital status is inconsequential. But when they come to church, singles often find themselves second-class citizens who dont fit into the mainstream of church life.

If the church is going to reach singles, it will have to expand its message to include the exploding population of Christian and not-yet-Christian singles. This will happen as the church rethinks what it means to be the family of God, communicates in simple ways that singles are welcome in the family, and becomes more and more a group where singles are fully-functioning members. Singles will beat a path to the door of a church like this because theyll know its home. 

Wendy Widder is a writer living in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Her book, A Match Made in Heaven: Fitting Singles into the Family of God was published by Kregal in 2003.

¹ Rich Hurst, quoted in "A Singular Mission Field," Christianity Today, 6 June 2001, 33, by Margaret Feinberg.

Reaching singles

By Dave Arnold

Being single in a relationship-driven world is not easy, especially when you are in your twenties, unmarried and out of college. One of my key leaders in our 20-something ministry said, I cant stand being placed in a singles group with the sole purpose of meeting someone. Im fine being single!

In light of the fact that I work predominantly with singles each week, I see these struggles and labels that our society, and even our churches, place on singles. However, though society may single them out, God has called them to Himself for special purposes.

The need to reach this age group with the gospel is a necessity. Unfortunately, many of the classes or groups that are available in churches today are composed of singles who are 10 or even 20 years older than these younger singles.

So, how are we to reach this all-important age group of 20-something singles with the gospel?  Lets look at three basic principles.

Relational driven
First, we must realize what makes 20-something singles tick. What I have found in working with this age group is that they need and thrive in relationships. Im not talking about a couple of acquaintances whom they hang out with on occasion, but true, in-depth relationships that are built on trust, accountability and authenticity. Thats why a singles group from 18 to... well, 80-something, does not work for this group. They need people who are in their life-stage to relate to and experience life with.

Evangelism efforts

Second, in working with this group, I have found that they prefer an environment thats laid back and very relational, not one thats overly churchy and feels like a Sunday school class.

An example of this is when we did an all-worship event at Oxygen (our 20-something ministry) at one of our Saturday night gatherings. As people walked into the room, they were given a pillow and encouraged to sit on the floor. This created a very relaxed, yet intimate, feel for our worship night. Afterward, a young single who was impressed with the night and touched by the worship said to me, So, what is this whole God thing about anyway?

I had the wonderful opportunity to share the gospel with him and invited him to come back to our ministry.

It is imperative to understand that this age group doesnt want to be in a stuffy religious environment where someone preaches at them. They want to be in a place where they feel comfortable and free to be themselves.

Evangelism blunders

Seeing it lived out in someones life is what matters, not being preached at, says Paul, a 26-year-old single. We dont care if its proven by apologetics, we want proof that being a Christian works in this day and age.

This is a third important principle to keep in mind: This age group does not want proof of it works, but of it works for me! They wont see their need or recognize their own thirst unless they see us as genuine, open and loving people.

Twenty-something singles are just like you and me they need Jesus. Too many people feel sorry for them for being single, as if they were less of a person. And, too many churches place these singles with other singles who are much older, thinking this will suffice. However, to be on mission we must approach them with genuine love, authenticity and as their own separate mission group.

So, lets share with singles that they are not singled out, but were bought with a price.

Dave Arnold is a writer and singles minister living in Plymouth, Michigan.